Capsule Inn
by D for Deranged
Summary: The World Martial Arts Tournament is postponed, and Vegeta is left in charge of the house while everyone who was going to attend stays over. This will be the worst week of his life. Caution: Story will be offensive in many ways.
1. Chapter 1

Vegeta struggled to lift himself up off the floor and turned off the power to the gravity room. Then, he sat down for a moment to catch his breath.

'I'm going to show everyone that I AM the strongest in the universe. Tomorrow, I will have my chance to prove it. No more will they-'

His thoughts were cut short by a figure gazing at him trough one of the windows. He returned to stare. It was completely motionless. The creature resembled a child. A child covered in powdery-white makeup, except for two red splotches on its cheeks. It was... smiling at him. Vegeta felt a tinge of emotion he hadn't felt in years. It was fear. Suddenly, there was a loud bang from behind him. He cautiously looked over his shoulder. The door had been violently thrown open, but it was no psychopathic clown-mutant, it was only Bulma.

"Hi, Vegeta!" she exclaimed exuberantly.

Then she saw the expression on his face.

"What's wrong?"

He quickly snapped back to the here and now, donning his usual stone-cold demeanor. He got up and began walking past her, exiting the portal behind her.

"Hey, I'm talking to you, you grouchy prick!"

He was on his way back to the main bulding.

"Nevermind then, but I have news about the tournament. You're not gonna like it."

That stopped him dead in his tracks.

"What do you mean?"

His words were laced with malice. Bulma didn't seem to notice.

"Well, the tournament's been postponed. So, everyone's going to be staying here. I thought it'd be great for everyone to catch up on old times since they were all in the area anyway."

She smiled sweetly. He burned daggers into the human woman.

'She thinks she can force me to share the company of her pathetic, annoying friends? Who the fuck does she think she is?'

Bulma cupped his balls and winked at him.

"I'll make up for the inconvenience."

Vegeta calmed down immediately. She had a way with words.

"Well, I guess. What's wrong with having a few punching bags handy?"

"Now, Vegeta, you have to promise me you won't hurt anybody," she said, looking intently into his eyes.

"What the fuck is the good of that? If they're going to fight in a tournament they need to be ready. What better way than me slapping them around a bit?" he inquired with no humor in his voice.

"I won't be here to referee. I have business to take care of and I don't want Trunks witnessing his dad murdering people."

Vegeta thought for a moment.

"Well, I never thought of the boy's role in this. Now that I think about it, Trunks could actually benefit greatly from watching me murder people. It builds character."

Bulma kicked him in the knee and stormed off.

"Just do what I say or I'm going celibate!" she shouted over her shoulder.

'Oh well, fuck it. How bad could this be?'

(A little later)

Vegeta was just finishing his post-training meal. He hadn't even time to shower and change when there he heard the doorbell ring.

'Fuck. The invaders are arriving.'

He stomped to the front door and swung it open. The last person he expected to see was standing there. Yamcha. With that dopey smile on his face.

"Hi, Vegeta! It's been awhile!" he exclaimed, way too excited.

Yamcha reached out to shake Vegeta's hand. Vegeta smirked as he thought of a way to make this situation interesting.

"Haven't seen you in awhile. I really should thank you. You see, Bulma told me all about how big, or should I say little, of a disappoiontment you were in bed and I've had many laughs at your expense."

Vegeta began laughing in a cruel pitch.

Yamcha's smile widened from ear to ear and he eagerly replied, "Don't mention it Vegeta!"

The Saiyan prince's features changed in an instant. He looked even more upset than when he first answered the door.

"So... you aren't even just a little bit jealous of me fucking your first, and her bragging about how much better I am?" Vegeta was certain spelling it out for him would elicit a negative response.

"No, not at all! I'm happy for her. Happy for you as well, Vegeta."

Yamcha just continued smiling broadly, with his hand still outstretched. Vegeta looked at it with contempt, and turned away. He felt a hard slap on his ass, and spun back around.

"What the fuck was that shit, you little faggot?" He screamed directly in Yamcha's face. This finally caused the smile to fade as he took a step back.

"It looked like you just got done training," he said innocently. "That's how Earth men acknowledge a good athletic effort."

Vegeta looked more puzzled now than anything. Also, slightly disgusted.

"How the fuck do you celebrate a victory? Blowjobs?"

Yamcha though for a moment and said, "Well, there IS this football team on a show called 'Glee'-"

"I don't care about how you spend your damn weekends."

He was going to initiate a scathing critique of human customs and pasttimes, when he caught a glimpse of white and red out of the corner of his eye. He looked over and saw the same creature from before staring at him. His heart filled with dread. The monster was smiling, and it appeared to be a purely benevolent grin, but an elite warrior could not be fooled. He could sense the poisonous intent beyond the facade. The sinister design behind the wicked, deceitfully curved line. The evil contortion of his mouth mirrored the fictitious joy his eyebrows projected. The three lines were all identical in shape, yet individually unique in the varying levels of extreme terror they instilled.

"Are you okay, Vegeta?"

Yamcha put a hand on Vegeta's shoulder, which snapped him out of his trance. The proud prince slapped the hand away and pushed Yamcha into the wall. Yamcha's look of concern never faded.

"Didn't you fucking see that?" Vegeta shouted at him, pointing towards the window.

"See what?"

The human looked where Vegeta was pointing and saw nothing.

"Look, I'm just going to go work on my story."

Vegeta looked disgusted.

"Story?"

Yamcha donned a pair of sophisticated reading glasses and pulled a laptop out of nowhere.

"Yes, Vegeta. I'm going to be a famous romance author."

He made his way towards the couch and sat down with is legs crossed, immediately typing away on the keyboard. Vegeta was going to make a rude comment when the doorbell rang for the second time that day. He opened the door to find Krillin and 18 standing there. Krillin was wearing a black suit and tie. He had an obnoxious toupee that was half the size of his head. 18 didn't look proud to be standing next to him.

"Have you found Kami, my son?" asked Krillin in a somber tone.

(End Chapter 1)

This is going to be funnier, insane, and probably offensive as the chapters go by. I'm just setting up the groundwork at the moment. If anyone has any suggestions, feel free to share them. 


	2. Chapter 2

"Found Kami? What the fuck are you talking about, midget?"

"Kami! Our Namek and Savior! Oh, Kami, at that great lookout in the sky, send down upon this tormented and wretched soul your never-ending love and senzus!" he bellowed to the sky.

18 shoved past Vegeta and showed herself in.

"Don't get him started," she said over her shoulder.

She stormed up the stairs and Vegeta was left standing with Krillin.

"You dumb bald fuck, that wrinkled piece of shit fused with the other green piece of shit," Vegeta snarled.

"That is only one chapter of the story. I'm here to tell you the good news of his imminent return. He will come back to Earth and cast out the evil space-lords, tyrants, and murders forevers!"

"Hell no he won't. I'll kick the shit out of him."

Vegeta now seemed more perplexed than angry.

"Vegeta, I will save your wretched soul. I will rescue you from your life of sin and debauchery."

Krillin tried to put his hand on Vegeta's, but it was promptly slapped away. The angry Saiyan then smacked Krillin across the face, hoping to set him straight with the only diplomatic tactic he knew. However, Krillin simply turned his face and pointed to the other side. It appeared as if the negotiation had failed.

"Kami have mercy on you, my son," Krillin whispered.

Vegeta was tired of this and decided it was time to carry on with his business. Krillin had already knelt down closed his eyes, and begun muttering to himself while holding his hands together.

'Great. I have a weird creature stalking me, an absentee wife, a queer trying to grope me, a schizophrenic midget talking to his imaginary friends, more freaks on the way and... what the fuck is that android doing upstairs?'

He walked up the stairs and began his search of the second floor. He opened the first door on the left. Dr. Briefs was bent over a table, wearing nothing but a black collar with a leash attached. His wife was flogging him with a bullwhip as the family cat sat nearby, steepling its paws and maliciously eyeing the scene. Nothing was out of the ordinary, so Vegeta closed the door and move to the next one. He opened it, and saw Trunks sitting at a computer with his pants around his ankles.

"Wh teh fux dad? Haz u bin hangin out with pedobear or sumthin?" Trunks shouted, outraged at the intrusion.

"Dammit Trunks I told you not to go on that site anymore! Fuck it. Did you see a blond bitch around here? She's the android I beat up awhile back."

Trunks thought for a moment, pulling his pants up.

"But I heard she kicked you around and knocked you through a wall." He said, confused.

"Yeah right. Just like how Mr. Satan saved the whole damn world. Now have you seen her or not?"

"Yeah, actually. She wanted to know where the laundry room was."

Vegeta was getting very confused.

"Laundry room? What the hell is she up to?"

He slammed the door and continued down the hall to the laundry room. As he turned the handle, he heard a loud bang and some rattling. He flung the door open, expecting touble. What he saw was Android 18 holding the washing machine at eye level, and wearing nothing but her underwear. Her clothes were on the ground and the wall was damaged where the washing machine sat. Vegeta was expressionless. She just stared back plainly.

"Care you explain what the fuck you're doing in here, you pervert?" She questioned him.

Vegeta gave a look of disgust.

"Me? This is my fucking house! You're stripping down and battering the fucking appliances! Explain yourself, you weird whore!"

She set down the washing machine and leaned on it.

"Not that it's any of your business, but I'm going to have sex this thing. What do you care?" she asked, pointing at him accusingly.

Vegeta's mouth dropped slowly.

"What do you mean? How the hell would you even go about that? You can't just hop on a Maytag like it's a fucking dildo! That's physically impossible!" he screamed, incredulous.

"Well, I haven't figured that part out yet. Maybe if you left me alone with my lover I'd be able to get to that," she said matter-of-factly.

"But... it's a fucking machine!" he shouted hopelessly.

"Uh, what do you think I am? Typical chauvinistic bigot. It's perfectly fine for a half-human woman to hook up with a human man, but then the moment I express the slightest bit of interest in a being of my other half, it's just wrong all of a sudden. Look at YOU, you sick fuck."

Vegeta pointed a finger at his chest.

"Me?"

"Yeah YOU. You slept with a human woman and had kids with her to boot. How the hell did THAT even happen? You wanna talk physically impossible, how about knocking up an alien? That's ridiculous AND a crime against nature. What next, are you going to impregnate the family dog?"

She cocked her head to the side and crossed her arms. Vegeta thought for a moment, and then waved off the interrogation.

"Nevermind. Forget I said anything. Still, why are you desperately trying to molest household objects?"

"If it's so damn important that you know, it's because my husband has gone celibate and I don't get none anymore. There, you satisfied?"

Vegeta's eyes widened slightly. his brilliant, masterfully-strategic mind was turning cogs.

'She's not getting any... I'm not getting any until Bulma comes back... She's not getting any... I'm not getting any until Bulma comes back...'

He rubbed his chin as he analyzed these pieces of information. A lightbulb went off in his head. A smirk slowly crept across his face. 18 smiled wickedly as well, almost reading his mind.

"Come over here and get me, you dirty monkey," she purred.

She leaned forward and rested her hands on top of the washing machine, arching her back as she did so. Vegeta slammed the door shut, closed the distance between him and the horny android, and pushed his crotch against her panty-clad behind. She grinded against him as he reached around to fondle her breasts. Just then, there was a loud banging on the laundry room door.

"I'm not answering that shit," he growled.

He pulled her around to face him and put his lips against hers. She wrapped her legs around his waist and started stroking his tongue with hers. He squeezed her ass and pressed against what would soon be his. Unfortunately, the door swung open that very moment. The unwanted visitors had let themselves in. Vegeta and 18 looked over, both hoping it was Krillin in for a sore sight. Instead, it was Tien standing next to a tall, muscular red guy with a goutee. 18 separated from Vegeta and crossed her arms as they both examined the newcomers.

'Satan', Vegeta thought. 'Wearing a big, stupid cape. I always thought he'd be fat and gay like in that South Park shit Bulma watches.'

The devil-looking man put his arm around Tien's shoulder.

'Oh. He IS gay. Another freak. Do I have the only properly-functioning cock on this planet? Even Trunks... I swear I saw tentacles on that computer scree-'

"Hiiii, Vegeta," Tien said flirtatiously, interrupting his thoughts.

The triclops' companion retracted his arm.

"You slutty bitch! Don't you eye him like that!" he roared.

The devil-looking man spit on Tien, which caused his whole body to turn to stone almost instantly. The big, red guy then bitch-slapped him, shattering the statue into a thousand pieces.

'On second thought, this guy might not be that bad,' Vegeta thought. 


	3. Chapter 3

"Now, Mr. King of Evil, if you could just give us a moment of privacy I'd appreciate it," Vegeta said, eager to resume his spontaneous affair.

"The name's Dabura. I kinda feel like watching though. Don't worry, I'll just be standing here."

He pulled out a can of Pringles and began slowly eating chips as he stared at the soon-to-be passionate scene. Vegeta was not amused.

"Well, I can't get it up with you staring at me like that. It's very annoying. If you insist on bothering me, do you think you could slather some of that petrification saliva down here?"

He pointed at his groin. 18 immediately kneed him in the gut, causing him to double over in pain.

"So now I'm not good enough for YOU either? I'm too fat and ugly for you to get it hard? You're just as bad as Krillin! I'm going to hunt down an Xbox controller! It'll be more of a man than you ever could" she screamed.

She marched out the door, leaving Vegeta and Dabura behind.

'Damn it', Vegeta thought, 'how could things get any worse than this? I haven't been laid in HOURS! Where is that stupid blue-haired woman?'

(Meanwhile, at Android 17's cabin.)

"I love being here with you," said Bulma. "I'm so glad to get away from all the stress of putting up with Vegeta. I love him, but he's such a handful."

"Don't worry, baby, there's no problems when you're with me."

17 was waxing an M-16 as he watched Bulma and Yajirobe making out and sweet-talking eachother.

"Oh Yajirobe, I always knew we'd be perfect together. I was just afraid you'd reject me," Bulma said, as she stared cautiously into his eyes.

"Well, I might have in my younger days. I've matured a lot since then, I guess. I respect, like, personality and stuff now."

Marron was being babysat by 17 and did not appreciate the company of the fat samurai. She made sure to stay far away from him. Very far away. Her uncle didn't fail to notice.

"I think I'd better take my new toy out to play," he said, slinging the gun over his shoulder.

"Aw, I didn't bring you that gun to use your place for babysitting," Bulma whined.

"Don't worry, Marron's coming with me. She could use some combat training."

Bulma and Yajirobe exchanged an approving look.

"Three years old? Yeah, sure."

"Yep, three's the perfect age."

With the consent of his peers, 17 made his way out into the forest to slaughter some woodland creatures with his niece.

(Back at Capsule Corp.)

Vegeta got up off the ground and dusted himself off. Dabura was silently enjoying his snack.

"So, Dabura, what the hell brings you here anyway?" the prince asked.

"Got some time off... some plans were postponed," he said between bites.

"Plans, huh? What kind of plans are we talking about here?"

"Aw, you know. Evil stuff."

Vegeta nodded his head in appreciation.

"Evil stuff. Yeah. I used to dabble in some of that myself. Then... you know, had a kid and all that."

"Oh yep, that'll do it," Dabura agreed.

"By the way, why were you hanging out with that weak human?" Vegeta asked, puzzled.

"Well, I picked him up at a bar and he said he had a party to go to. Then, we came here," the demon king responded, following it up by devouring another chip.

"Party? There's no damn party to be had here. Even if there was, that puny Earthling wasn't even supposed to be at the tournament let alone here."

"PAAAAARRRRRTTTTTTAAAAAAYYYYY!"

Vegeta did not like the sound of that. He ran downstairs to see who was screaming around and found it was none other than Master Roshi and his pets. The pig had a fifth of Jack in his hand, and the old man was eagerly darting his eyes around the room.

"Stop making fools of yourselves!" Vegeta screamed. "There's no party going on here! What did you expect, a parade of strippers?"

Master Roshi stopped and looked nervously at Vegeta. He opened his mouth to explain, but the Ox King merrily burst throught the front door that very moment, followed by a parade of strippers. The strippers picked up Roshi, Oolong, and Turtle and began carrying them towards the back entrance. Dr. and Mrs. Briefs ran down the stairs and followed them out into the backyard. Vegeta was not impressed. He glanced around and saw the only person still around was Yamcha, who had moved to the kitchen table. The human was still furiously typing away on the keyboard.

'What is that idiot so interested in that he'd pass up booze and strippers?' Vegeta thought to himself.

He snuck up behind the aspiring author and looked over his shoulder. Yamcha had apparently just finished uploading his work.

(The screen read:)

.net

"Shut Up Stoopid fangurls This Is how B/V Hookd Up"

Chapter Fifty-too

Vegeta wuz kissing Bulma like a lot. he totally had a boner and he wuz so gonna do her agin for the 52nd time cuz he cood just like go all day cuz she was pritty and he was soooo hawt too and there sexing is just amzing n stuff. vvegeta ran his hands like over his bod. he started rubbing cocanut oil all over himself so his mussles were glissining and they were just gorjus. Vegeta's well-difined body was jst perfict n no one cood evr be is fine as Vegeta cuz he's incredable. Bulma is okay too. Vegeta then began flexing his well-scolpted body

(Back To Reality)

Vegeta took a step back. He was in shock. He slowly tip-toed away, dashing when he went around a corner and into the first-floor hallway. He stripped off his pants as he sprinted into the bathroom and lunged into the shower. He wasted no time scalding himself with steaming hot water. He began furiously scrubbing away at himself, but no amount of lather and self-loathing would wash away the dirtiness he felt just beneath his skin. Was Yamcha's sick hobby really affecting him this much? Or was it everything he'd been through combined?

'Maybe I just need to get laid,' he thought to himself.

Like some kind of deus ex machina from the Saiyan deities, he felt a warmth pressing against him from behind.

"Sorry about earlier, Vegeta," 18 whispered into his ear. "Maybe I can make it up to you."

Vegeta chuckled to himself.

"Video game controller wasn't enough for you, huh?"

"No," she whispered back, "Trunks said he broke the vibe when he got mad and threw his controller because of some fags talking shit on Call of Duty... or something like that. It doesn't matter. All that matters is you and me. Naked. In the shower. What are you going to do, Vegeta?"

He turned around to look upon that perfect face, softly rubbing himself against her thigh as he gazed into her eyes. He slipped an arm around 18 and began massaging her back. He rested his other hand beneath her firm butt and pulled her closer towards him. He was pressing into her and just about to kiss the beautiful android when he met a gaze from over her shoulder.

The most evil gaze in the universe. It was him. Those eyes... he would call them beady little eyes, but the dilated pupils were enormous. A testament to the never-ending swell of evil behind those optic extensions of his blackened soul. There was no color or shade besides pure ebony, except for the white of his sinister scleras. There were no blood vessels, because this monstrosity was not a thing of flesh and blood... just an embodiment of all that opposes life itself.

"Limp AGAIN, Vegeta? Fuck!"

Android 18 slammed his head into the wall, grabbed her clothes, and exited with no further delay. Vegeta looked all around the bathroom, and saw no sign of his nemesis.  



	4. Chapter 4

Vegeta got out of the shower and dried himself off. There was a distant rumble of chattering and music coming from outside.

'I have to figure out a way to get rid of all these people. They're so annoying. Not just the noisy ones either. What the hell is wrong with that faggot, Yamcha? Has he been stalking me? How does he know I rub coconut oil on myself when I have sex with Bulma? Yeah. I love the way she glistens after I get done fucking her brains out...'

Images began filling his mind almost beyond his control. The primal desire was becoming too much. He had to do something that he hadn't done in years. He reached down and put his hand on his manhood, now fully-erect. He was just about to begin stroking himself, but then Dabura walked into the room with a bong in his hand.

"Man, the blondie wasn't enough for you?" the evil being asked.

Vegeta quickly removed his hand and pulled a clean outfit from the bathroom closet.

"Uh... no, a Saiyan is never satisfied! We're real men, not like these minute-men from this planet," he said as he dressed himself in the blue spandex.

"That naked blonde chick that came out of here was hot. Man, you're pretty lucky," Dabura said as he pulled a bag of weed out of his pocket. "You saw that thing I showed up with. I'm desperate as hell. I haven't been laid in months."

"Why's that? Earth women love that evil shit. You're the fucking KING of evil," Vegeta said.

"Oh yeah, trust me. Catch me in Hell I'm gettin all the demon bitches, but there aren't exactly a lot hanging around here," Dabura replied as he loaded up the bowl.

"Well, why not just get yourself a human?" Vegeta suggested.

"Oh I would, but I don't know how to pick them up. I mean, in Hell it's a lot easier. You basically just beat the shit out of them and rip their clothes off. It's pretty romantic."

"Ah, I think that's what most societies refer to as 'rape'. Generally discouraged around here," Vegeta said, nodding his head.

"Yeah, humans are fucking squares, man. Believe me, I'd just force my customs on people but this guy I'm working for wants everyone to keep a low profile. Employers suck, man," Dabura responded, taking a hit off the bong as he did so.

"Tell me about it. I can't count how many worlds I had to not completely destroy for this prick I worked for before. 'Kill everyone there, Vegeta! But don't blow up the planet!' I hated that guy. He was this transexual lizard-thing named Frieza. My son killed him and spared me the minimal effort."

Dabura nodded his head.

"Yeah, I actually know who you're talking about. He turns tricks in Hell. One night, I had too much to drink and-"

"Hey, I just got an idea!" Vegeta interjected, "I heard of this place nearby that might give us both what we're looking for. Follow me."

With that Vegeta and Dabura walked to the living room. Vegeta was disgusted to see that more unwanted guests had arrived. Gohan and a short-haired brunette girl were sitting on the couch, watching TV. They both looked up at him.

"So, it looks like you found yourself a nice boyfriend, huh, Gohan?" he asked mockingly.

The girl jumped up and pointed at him.

"Show me some respect or I'll kick your ass, you Dam Trolls reject!" she screamed.

"I'll kick you and your faggot boyfriend's ass, you bull-dyke! Lose the Y chromosome and get in that kitchen!" he shouted back.

Trunks popped his head out from upstairs to say,"And make him a sammich," then disappeared.

Videl was only getting madder.

"My dad saved this whole world, so you better treat me with respect! You'd be dead if it wasn't for him!" she retorted.

The younger Saiyan rubbed the back of his head.

"You see Vegeta," Gohan started to explain, "Her dad's Mr. Satan. The guy who killed Cell. Remember?"

Vegeta shook his head.

'I was worried I might be pussy-whipped. I'm nothing like this,' he though to himself.

"Right. Mr. Satan. Big hero," Vegeta said sarcastically.

Videl continued to stare at him, apparently not appreciating the irony in his tone.

"So," said Vegeta, "where's the rest of your pathetic family at, Gohan? Mucking about around here?"

Videl sat down and crossed her arms, not looking away from Vegeta. Gohan scratched his head.

"Well, my mom was supposed to come over after she got off work, but everyone else is here."

"Work? What, is your mom a hooker or something?" Vegeta snidely asked.

"I don't think so," Gohan answered sheepishly.

Videl slapped his shoulder.

"Are you gonna just let him talk about your mom like that?" she demanded incredulously.

"Enough of this. We're leaving, Dabura," Vegeta announced..

With that, the two went out the door and flew to Satan City, landing outside an establishment called 'Painful Pleasures'.

"Satan City? They named a city after me I see," Dabura stated proudly.

"No, they named it after that guy I was just talking about. He's this guy that likes huge cocks and took credit for saving the world from Cell. Everyone knows it was ME that defeated him. I bitch-slapped that fem pussy back to Dr. Gero's womb!"

Vegeta punctuated the last part of his sentence by pantomiming a brutal backhand.

"No shit, huh? Cell told us he just felt guilty after kicking all your asses and killed himself. I guess he lies a lot. He's had it rough, though. Him and all his friends just got smacked around by that Goku guy and someone else recently. They all went emo and started cutting themselves to Kerli songs after that. Hard times."

Vegeta waved his hand dismissively.

"Cell should have been doing that when I sent him down there originally! You should've seen it! I kicked him around, then I made him put on a dress, then I took pictures, then I posted those pictures to my Facebook, and then I fucked him in the ass! Bam! Bam! Bam!" Vegeta declared.

Vegeta emphasized each 'bam' by thrusting his hips. Then he looked towards their destination.

"Which reminds me, we should be heading inside. You're gonna love this shit. I've heard about this place. It's just the thing we're looking for. Brutal bad guy sex through and through."

"Sounds like my style."

The two headed inside and walked to the front desk. It was being tended by a floating purple cat. The animal looked worn out and tired-eyed. It somehow had grey stubble around its mouth.

"The name's Puar. How can I help you guys?" the feline asked in a gruff voice.

"You look pretty fucking haggard, kitty," Dabura observed.

"You're telling me. I wasn't always like this. I used to one chipper motherfucker. Man, I used to have it made. My best friend was this baseball player who did some martial arts on the side. Shit was great. Our place had all the Fancy Feast and catnip I could get my hands on. Then, things changed. He broke up up with his girlfriend, but he wasn't even mad about that. It was strange. He just started reading and writing these stories on the internet... masturbating to them constantly. So much masturbation... he lost his job because all he did was write, read and jerk it. He even ran out of napkins and he... he... he used ME!" the cat screamed, breaking into tears.

Vegeta stared at him with a stony expression.

"That's just awful. We feel really bad for you, cat. Now give us some whores and spare us the sob-stories."

Puar dried his eyes and looked up at the two customers through his blurry eyes.

"Fine," he said, "just hand over the money."

"Money? Okay, do you take 'not-being-sodomized-with-your-severed-spine' as a currency?" Vegeta queried solemnly.

Puar slowly nodded his head.

"Okay, okay. The problem is we only have one woman on duty. Is that going to be a issue?"

Vegeta and Dabura looked at each other and shrugged.

"Okay, go through that door to your left and your mistress will be with you shortly," the cat directed.

Vegeta and Dabura went into the room that was motioned towards and closed the door behind them. The room had sound-proofed walls and all sorts of bondage equipment on the walls. Vegeta examined the whips, strap-ons, and gags with nodding approval. He then turned towards Dabura.

"I wonder who this 'mistress' is? Funny name for a bitch that's gonna be limping out here to the hospital in a couple hours," he noted.

The door opened and closed behind them. They looked over their shoulders and Vegeta immediately recognized Chichi, wearing a black leather bodice, thong, and boots, with a metal rod in her hand.

(End of Chapter)

Author's Note: I think I'll open up this story to POVs besides Vegeta's starting next chapter, for a little bit of variety. After this, there will be more from the other characters. BTW, why's there 150 different readers and only one review? Tell me what you think of this crap so far. 


	5. Chapter 5

Chichi glared at Vegeta.

"What are you doing here, Vegeta? You and Bulma are married! I'm going to call her right now and tell her what's going on!"

Vegeta was thoroughly unimpressed.

"You do that, and I'll tell your kids where you work," he retorted.

Chichi continued to glare at him for a few seconds.

"Fine," she said at last, "you can get what you came for. You sick fucks."

She slowly shook her head. Vegeta cocked his head towards Dabura and pointed his thumb at Chichi.

"Do you believe this shit?" he asked his new friend. "We're getting judgement passed on us by a hooker. Our sexual morality's being called into question by a prostitute. The elite fucking bloodlines are being catechized by the red light district."

Chichi smacked the ground with her metal rod and motioned towards the floor next to them.

"Get over on there! On your knees!" she growled at them.

They both did as she commanded and exchanged a nervous glance.

"Now take your clothes off," Chichi directed.

"So," Vegeta said, "I guess this must be part of some strange mating ritual I haven't heard of. I suppose we do this and THEN the kinky sex begins."

The pair stripped off their clothes, then resumed the position.

Chichi threw them each a blindfold.

"Put those on," she ordered.

They did as instructed, fastening the bands around their heads in a position to cover their leaned towards where Dabura was.

"Oh, I know what's going on here. This naughty vixen liked how I insulted her," he whispered, "she's gonna give us some special treatment now. Probably some from-behind blowjobs."

Vegeta heard Chichi's heels clicking as she walked to one of the walls, paused for a few seconds, and then stepped up behind him. He was anticipating the long-awaited release he was about to experience. He felt her hands on his waist and he wondered what she could be up to. Then, he got his answer as he felt a sharp pain in his ass. His stomach felt like it was going to explode. He reached back and pushed her off and out of him, scurrying away from his assailant. He ripped off the blindfold and turned to face the sexual deviant. She was kneeling and grinning, a glimmering strap-on attached to her pelvis. He shook his head in horror and bolted out the door without even bothering to grab his clothes. Dabura was still in position, blindfolded, and listening to the sounds of the sordid affair. He held up an index finger.

"I'll have what he had, thank you."

(Back at Capsule Corp.)

Trunks and Goten were sitting in Trunks' room in front of his television. Goten was watching Trunks play Grand Theft Auto IV. Trunks was mercilessly punching the deceased corpse of a hooker who felt had she was too high-class to be seen in his shabby vehicle.

"I think she's dead, Trunks," Goten pointed out.

On the screen, Niko Bellic had gotten up and started stomping on the unfortunate streetwalker.

"I'm sending a message to the rest of them," Trunks said, with a hint of Vegeta's old malice in his voice.

Goten nodded in recognition. Trunks had switched to an assault rifle and begun riddling the body with bullets, shredding off limbs. and sending blood flying everywhere.

"Boy, you sure are smart, Trunks. I probably woulda went and got a nicer car or something."

Trunks laughed at that.

"What a big waste of time, Goten. You have to let these Liberty City types know that you are serious. With all these snobs refusing to get in the car, we'll never find out what sex is all about."

Android 18 popped her head into the bedroom. She glanced around the room, then rested her eyes on the kids.

"Have either of you two seen Vegeta?"

They both shook their heads. She closed the door and went off to continue her search. Trunks looked at Goten thoughtfully.

"You know what's going on here, Goten?"

Uh uh. What, Trunks?"

"She wants to wrestle my dad like my mom does. I see that expression on them a lot," Trunks said knowledgably.

Goten looked confused.

"Vegeta and Bulma wrestling? That doesn't sound like a very even match," he noted.

"Oh, it's not. She actually pins him once in a while but he always wins in the end."

"How do you know about this stuff?" Goten asked.

"Oh, I watch through the keyhole sometimes. Dad caught me one time and called me a creep. Hey, I just got an idea."

"What's that, Trunks?"

Trunks began rubbing his hands together with anticipation.

"I heard Android 18's pretty tough. My mom said she actually beat my dad in a fight once! This might be the best match of all time. If got it on camera, I bet we could put it on the internet and it would go viral," Trunks explained.

Trunks jumped up and ran to his drawer, pulling a little camera. Goten got up beaming.

"That'd be awesome, Trunks! How are we gonna do this?"

Trunks thought for a moment.

"I think I have just the idea," he said after a few moments.

(Meanwhile, downstairs)

Gohan was still sitting awkwardly next to who he hoped would become his girlfriend. Videl was glaring daggers at him.

"I know you want to go out there and have fun partying with those skanks. Just go out there and do it. You know you want to. Go ahead. I'm not stopping you," she said, badgering him.

"Really, Videl, I'm just not into that kind of thing. I just want to hang out with you," he said sincerely.

She got up and began walking towards the back of the building.

"Fine, I'll go out there and have fun then," she said.

Gohan got up.

"Wait, Videl, I'll come with you."

He started to follow her and she spun around with her hands on her hips.

"I knew it! You're just like every high school guy! Out to see some T and A every chance you get!" she accused.

Gohan slumped his shoulders and sat back down. Yamcha looked up from his masterpiece at the disturbance.

"Oh, so you don't want to come with me, Gohan? I see how it is," Videl said, nodding her head.

Gohan started to get back up.

"That's right, come on and get me drunk so you can take advantage of me. My dad was right about boys."

Gohan sat back down.

"Fine. I'll go all by myself around all those strangers. I'll be sure to gulp down all my Rohypnol," she spat venomously.

Gohan didn't know what to do. He picked up the remote and started flipping through channels, but everything he saw involved happy couples. He turned it off and buried his face in his hands. He felt a weight next to him on the couch, and a hand rested on his shoulder. He looked over, and Yamcha was sitting next to him, smiling.

"It's all right, Gohan. Chicks are like that. You want a few pointers, pal?" Yamcha offered.

Gohan shrugged his shoulders.

"I don't if anything can work to get Videl to understand how I feel about her. But, I guess I'm willing to try whatever it takes," he acknowledged.

"Well, Gohan, the problem I saw is you're making yourself too available. It's a turn-off. She wouldn't be here if she didn't like you, but you need some adjustments. The first thing you need is a threat. Someone to make her jealous," Yamcha coached.

"How would I do that? What if it just makes her mad and she gives up on me, Yamcha?" the Saiyan pondered.

"Trust me. This will work like a charm. I'm going to be that threat," he revealed.

With that said, Yamcha slipped his arm around Gohan and pulled him close. Gohan stiffened and started to pull away. Yamcha responded by wrapping his other arm around Gohan and pulling him into an awkward embrace. Gohan gave up the resistance and put his hand on the back of Yamcha's head, stroking his soft hair and taking in the scent of his cologne. Yamcha unzipped his fly and brushed his lips against Gohan's, but the younger man broke away and leapt to the opposite side of the couch, looking like a deer in the headlights.

"Uh, on second thought, I think I'm just going to go outside. Thanks anyway."

Gohan quickly made his exit. Yamcha shook his head, zipped his pants back up, and went to finish his story.

(In the back yard)

The sky had grown dim and the noise had died down. Dr. Briefs had outfitted the area with everything needed for a wild party with his capsules, and the soiree was now in the final stages. Not everyone there was happy. Turtle was having the time of his life. The strippers were all fawning over him, stroking his shell and fins, and rubbing their toned bodies against him.

"Ladies, ladies. I'm just a simple reptile," he said modestly.

Master Roshi and Oolong were sulking nearby, angrily observing the scene. Master Roshi put his mouth next to Oolong's ear and covered it with his hand, conspiratorially.

"Looks like we're gonna have to find a new pivot man for our nightly circle-jerk," he complained grumpily.

Oolong angrily nodded in agreement, not removing his gaze from Turtle's groupies. The Briefs couple were playing spin the bottle with the Ox King. Just the Ox King. Videl was the loner of the bunch, sitting on the grass next to a keg and gulping down beer like it was water. The two perverts had tried approaching her, but the violent reception they received made it a short visit. She heard soft footsteps and looked up to see Gohan, smiling nervously.

"May I sit down?" he asked quietly.

She patted the ground next to her. He sat down and crossed his legs. He started talking, but Videl's attention was seized by movement near a second-floor window. She looked up and saw Vegeta, completely naked, sliding a window open and climbing inside. She stood up.

"I'll be right back," she said, cutting him off mid-sentence.

She briskly walked towards the building, leaving a forlorn Gohan sitting alone once again.

(Inside Vegeta and Bulma's room)

Trunks and Goten were hiding in a closet, peeking out from the shutters as Vegeta climbed in with no clothes on.

"Why is he naked?" Goten whispered.

"That's how he always wrestles. My mom, too. I knew this plan would work," Trunks whispered back. 


	6. Chapter 6

Vegeta opened up the dresser and pulled out a fresh pair of clothes. He began dressing himself, but only got on his underwear before Videl entered the room and made a beeline towards him.

'Damn it,' Vegeta thought, 'why won't everyone just leave me the hell alone?'

She stood right next to him and leaned in close, so her face was only an inch away from his.

"So, what are you up to? I saw you sneaking in the window naked, so why don't you explain yourself?" she demanded.

Between the throbbing pain he felt in his ass and all the problems he'd been having, Vegeta was no going to put up with a line of questioning from some girl he didn't even know.

"None of your damn business, you scary bitch. Why don't you go back to manhandling your queerbait boyfriend and leave me be?"

With no warning, Videl stripped off her white t-shirt and pushed Vegeta onto the bed. She climbed on top of him, now wearing only a black sports bra and her tight athletic shorts. She roughly tore his underwear in two, tossing the shreds of fiber to the ground.

"Fine," Vegeta whispered in defeat, "this is all you dykes want from me. Go on, take it."

He rolled over onto his stomach and sighed in surrender, closing his eyes to prepare for the inevitable. Videl stared blankly for a few seconds. Then she snapped out of it and rolled him over forcibly. It was to no avail however as he simply rolled with the motion back onto his stomach.

"What the hell are you doing, you weirdo?" Videl screamed, "I'm trying to get laid here!"

From the cover of their hiding spot, Goten gave Trunks a small nudge.

"That's my brother's friend, Videl. I wonder what she's doing with your dad," Goten wondered.

"Well, Goten, she's trying to wrestle him but he's clearly too much of a gentleman to respond. He knows she'd only get hurt."

Trunks nodded in approval of his father's chivalrous etiquette.

"Well, should I be taping this anyway, Trunks?"

"Well duh, Goten. Who knows how this shit could go down."

Goten fumbled with the camera until he had it recording, and directed it at Vegeta and Videl through the crack he was using to watch them.

"Fine, Vegeta! Fuck you! You'll never know what it's like to experience a real woman's love!" Videl shouted.

She grabbed her shirt and walked out, with Android 18 entering at the same time. Vegeta looked over his shoulder at the new arrival and groaned in despair as he rolled onto his back.

"Will you never leave me be? Things are going to go wrong right when shit gets good. Forget it, I'll just jerk myself off. Here, you can watch," he offered as he began violently slapping his dick against his leg. "You like that shit, android? Huh? Do you?"

Android 18 didn't move a muscle or crack a smile.

"I have a feeling you have more experience with that than you're letting on," she began, "but there's more important things to talk about right now. You need to come downstairs. It's about your wife," she added gently.

With that said, she turned and left. Vegeta restarted the task of getting dressed, shocked that nothing was interrupting. After he was fully-clothed he left the room. Trunks and Goten were still in the closet.

"Trunks, should we get out of here now? I don't think anything's gonna happen."

Before his friend could respond, Dr. Briefs came staggering through the door with the Ox King on his shoulder.

"Grandpa?" both boys whispered in unison.

The eccentric genius set the mountain of man on the bed and slid next to him, staring intently into his eyes. The giant giggled and gently removed the small man's shirt, followed by his own. Briefs took the lead from here, mounting the big man and tenderly squeezing his hairy nipples. The maneuver elicited guttural moans that resembled the sounds a water buffalo makes while being impaled by a Buick. The scientist then arched an eyebrow and pulled out a small jar of peanut butter. His over-sized partner blushed and used his enormous hands to hide the shy expression that was overtaking his bearded face. Briefs began pulling out globs with his hand and liberally applying them to various parts of the Ox King's chest. Then, he began swirling his tongue all over the gooey mess, stopping only to pull the occasional stray hair from his tongue.

"Hee-hee!" Ox King squealed, "Your mustache is prickly!"

In the closet, Trunks was shocked and motionless, his mouth gaping. Goten turned to face him.

"Trunks, should I stop recording now? Why is your grandpa eating JIF off of my grandpa? Is this how your parents wrestle?"

Trunks didn't respond, so Goten shrugged and refocused his attention on recording everything.

(Downstairs)

Vegeta had his arms crossed and was facing Android 17. 18 was nearby, holding Marron, but everyone else had gone to bed in their respective guest rooms.

"So, android, I heard you have some news for me," Vegeta said with hostility.

"Yeah, about that. Well. She's kind of dead," 17 explained cautiously.

Vegeta's eyes widened and he clenched his fists.

"What do you mean, 'kind of dead'?" he roared.

17 looked at the ceiling thoughtfully and the directed his eyes to Vegeta again.

"Yeah. Wrong choice of words, I guess. What I mean to say is that she's just plain dead. Like really dead. I mean bullet holes in tiny chunks of burnt flesh kind of dead. I mean, she's SO dead-"

He was cut off by Vegeta's hands around his neck, choking his oxygen supply. 17 tried to pry Vegeta off of him, but was unable to budge his fingers. Marron started crying, so her mother held her closer and stroked her hair.

"Let him finish, Vegeta. I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation," the victim's sister offered matter-of-factly.

Vegeta let go and gave 17 a menacing look as the teenager rubbed his throat and breathed some much-needed air.

"Thanks, 18. Okay. As I was going to say before you brutally attacked me, I had nothing to do with this. Actually, everything would be fine right now if people just listened to me. All right, here's what happened. I'm baby-sitting Marron like a responsible uncle, and here Bulma comes. Turns out she was on her way to some big meeting when her flying capsule car was attacked by ninja terrorists who made their base out of a cloud that she was driving past. So these ninja terrorist mercenaries shoot down her car and it explodes, leaving behind absolutely no evidence and it definitely isn't dumped in the lake nearby my house along with various meth lab components. Anyway, this Yajirobe guy is the leader of these criminals and it turns out he knows Bulma. So I walked outside and offered them a place to rest and catch up on old times and all that shit. Then they come inside, they're all talking and whatnot, when Marron tries to play with the fat guy's assault rifle. I said aw hell no that shit aint going down, but then I had a call and my phone was getting bad reception so I went outside. I'm out there like ten seconds tops when I hear gunshots and there's a big explosion from what totally wasn't a meth lab that took me three days to gather supplies for. Luckily, I'm a responsible adult and I had Marron encased in a clear bullet-and-explosion-proof coating in case of something like this happening. Shit sucks though, right?"

Vegeta stared at 17 with disbelief.

"You expect me to buy that bullshit?" he asked after a few seconds of silence.

The black-haired android nodded. Vegeta slowly shook his head.

"Nobody would EVER follow Yajirobe. That fat prick was worthless! Clearly, Bulma embellished on her story. Doesn't surprise me. I... I can't believe she's gone, though," Vegeta said softly, the realization of his mate's death hitting him.

The prince felt hands around his leg and looked down to see Marron looking up at him with tears in her eyes.

"I sawwy," she said softly.

Vegeta felt tears beginning to fog his vision. He turned away from the androids, slightly bowing his head.

"You know, Vegeta," 18 offered, "you COULD just wish her back with the dragon balls. Seriously, she'd be back in like ten minutes."

Vegeta started chuckling.

"That's right. I forgot all about those. I'll just go grab Bulma's Dragon Radar."

After Vegeta ran upstairs, 17 looked out the front window and saw Shenron looking down on Krillin, who was wearing a golden robe and had about thirty people people him wearing black ones.

"Look, 18, your husband's already on top of it. That guy works fast."

18 took a glance out the window and said, "Oh shit. This doesn't look good."

(End of Chapter)

Author's note: So, do I get e-points for the slash? Am I the first person to do a Dr. Briefs/Ox King scene? If so, I'll proudly make myself a plaque. I really hope it sparks a new genre. :D 


	7. Chapter 7

Well, it's been about a year since I started this fic. I kinda forgot about it. Then I remembered and checked out my profile, saw people were still reading it, so I figured I'd finish it. It's fun to write but it's hard to tell how many people actually like my brand of humor. Well, here it is. I'll try to update once a week from now on.

Trunks looked up at Goten, who was still watching their grandparents' private encounter. Goku's son didn't seem to be bothered much by any of what he was seeing. He actually had a dopey grin on his face.

'Well, if Goten's still watching, it must have gotten a little less weird. I guess I'll look.'

He peeked through the slit again. Dr. Briefs and Ox King were laying next to each other underneath the covers. They were each eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, eyes locked in a seductive gaze as they chewed sloppily. Trunks leaned towards Goten.

"That peanut butter didn't come from a jar, did it, Goten?"

Goten shook his head, still smiling.

"You don't know where that jelly came from, do you, Goten?

Another head shake. He looked at Trunks and giggled quietly.

"Our grandpas are CRAZY, aren't they, Trunks?"

(In front of the Capsule Corps)

Krillen stared up at Shenron with determination in his eyes. It was time to lead his flock to salvation.

"O Great Shenron-"

"Damn it, you bald bastard!" the enormous dragon rumbled. "I'm on vacation. Where the hell is that stupid nephew of mine?"

A dark, tiny cloud appeared next to Shenron, and a feeble creature appeared. It strongly resembled Shenron, but it was about three feet tall and had thick glasses over human-looking eyes.

"There you are!" the eternal dragon roared. "Do your damn job! I'm not paying you for nothing!"

The smaller dragon meekly held up a finger in protest.

"Actually," he said in a nasally voice, "I'm not being monetarily compensated for this at all. I'm doing this for college credits."

The larger being stared blankly for a few moments, then disappeared. Krillen approached the temporary wish-bringer.

"So, you're going to grant us our wish, noble dragon?" He asked solemnly.

The green creature adjusted his glasses and scrunched his face a little, revealing several fangs and two buckteeth.

"No need to be so formal. Just call me Shenzie. Now, what's this wish you want me to grant?"

Just when Krillen opened his mouth to respond, Vegeta tackled him and clutched the front of his robes. He had a homicidal look that hadn't been on his face in years.

"Listen, baldie. I'm making the wishes around here! I need my woman back and I'm sick of all the stupid shit that's been going on! Got it? So just sit there and shut up!"

He emphasized his point by opening a palm towards Krillen's followers and blowing them away with a ki blast. Krillen took the hint and quietly made his way over to 18, who was standing next to her brother, holding her daughter. Yamcha, Gohan, and Videl also wandered outside to see what was going on. Feeling slightly less aggravated, he stood up and turned to face the limp-wristed Shenzie, who was patiently waiting.

"Alright, you pathetic excuse for a dragon. Bring back my bitch. The prince needs his balls drained."

"Oh geez," Shenzie replied, "you're a real gentleman aren't you? Very classy. Well, where is this lady at? I'll send her some bus tickets or maybe some frequent flyer miles."

The angry Saiyan growled a little in frustration.

"She's dead, you dumb bastard. So bring her back to life."

Shenzie scratched his head and looked up at the sky thoughtfully.

"Well," he said after a moment, "I might be able to do something like that. I did take some CPR classes at Dragon High."

Vegeta lunged at the meek being and began violently strangling him.

"Listen, you stupid lizard! I'm not in the mood for these games!"

The little fellow's tiny arms were flailing around helplessly, and his face was turning blue. Vegeta threw him to the ground and clenched his fists, waiting for a response. An inhaler materialized in Shenzie's hand and he began desperately choking on the medicine.

"*Gasp* Are you crazy? You could've really hurt me! I get it, okay? We'll try to do some of that resurrecting stuff. I have to see the body though at least. It's not like I'm Shenron or Porunga or something. Geez, give me a break here."

Vegeta slowly shook his head.

"You're a pathetic excuse for a dragon," he whispered with contempt.

"Vegeta, I believe I can be of assistance here."

Vegeta turned and faced Yamcha. The human had an orange ascot around his neck.

"It just so happens I've been doing some freelance detective work lately."

Vegeta jabbed a finger in his chest.

"I don't need your help, weakling. You keep your scrawny ass here. Or better yet, get the fuck out of here."

18 began approaching. Vegeta shook his head.

'Great, now what does this bitch want? I don't have time for this. I just want to get fucking laid,' he thought to himself.

"Vegeta," the android said, "You are going to need some help you know. You don't know where 17's cabin is, and I'm not trusting you to go with him. You might jump to conclusions and start blaming him for what happened. We'll take the dragon and I'll show you where it's at. As for Yamcha, do you really want a guy like that around your son?"

Vegeta looked slowly looked over Yamcha and said, "You have a point. Fine. Let's get flying."

Vegeta grabbed Shenzie and tucked him under his arm, but the dragon quickly squirmed out of his grip and ran behind 18. He grasped onto her leg and peeked out at Vegeta.

"What the heck, man? I'm not going up in the air! You're crazy! I'll warp right out of here if you pull a stunt like that again!"

18 kicked backwards to send him flying thirty yards away. She then turned her attention back to Vegeta.

"All right, if he's not going to fly then we'll just have to drive. It's not that far. I'll go steal a car."

With that said, she zipped off.

Yamcha spoke up, "Don't you have like twenty cars here?"

Vegeta pointed towards the spot where the cultists had been gathered.

"There's about twenty dead humans over there, and it might be twenty-one in a second."

Yamcha gulped and looked away. The dragon was sitting on the ground where he'd landed, eyeing them both warily. After a few seconds, 18 returned with a Porsche balanced on her outstretched palm. An elderly couple were having heart attacks in the front seats. She set the car down on the grass and Vegeta walked forward with his arms crossed. He looked at the writhing old people and frowned. He looked at Yamcha.

"Get the dead humans out of there."

Yamcha looked at the two people, who were still in agony, and then back at Vegeta.

"Um, I'm not a doctor, but they're probably still alive."

Vegeta, without breaking eye contact with Yamcha, blasted both of them with small beams.

"Get the dead humans out of there."

Shenzie finally got up and spoke, "Actually, I'll take them."

Shenzie waddled to the car with his tiny, awkward legs. He climbed threw the open passenger-side window and drug them into the backseat.

"Oh," Yamcha exclaimed, "you're going to practice your resurrection!"

Shenzie adjusted his glasses and began tugging at the old man's shirt.

"Actually, I'm just feeling a bit hungry."


End file.
